Vampire with a Sweet Tooth

August 12th, 2012

The dreaded glucose test. I heard about this from other soon-to-be mothers. The drink is horrible, makes you nauseous, and gives you a headache the rest of the day. Needless to say, I wasn’t eagerly awaiting the opportunity to take this test.

As the 5-month mark approached, I knew it was only a matter of time before it was my turn to experience the wrath of the phlebotomist (read: vampire) and their quest for vein domination (read: sweet, sweet blood nectar). The funny thing is, I was more afraid of being hungry than having my blood drawn. My doctor assured me I didn’t need to fast, but would have to eat a healthy breakfast so as not to skew the results. The idea of being 5-months pregnant and going 12+ hours without food sounds like the premise for a horror film. My entire neighborhood was relieved to know I could eat beforehand. Whole wheat toast for the win!

Upon arriving at the vampire’s lair, they provided me with a small bottle of orange liquid. GLUCOSE. I assessed my enemy, twisted off the cap, and glugged. And glugged.  And -would this 12 ounce drink ever end? – glugged. Between you, me, and the entire Internet, I have a bit of a sweet tooth. But this…this…concoction, would make hummingbirds tremble from its sweetness.

After I willed my way through the last 2 ounces, I was instructed to wait an hour and not to drink too much water before they drew blood for results. Being two minutes from home, I thought, “Awesome! I’ll get chores done.” By the way, I don’t know at what age I matured to the point where I thought chores seemed like a cool alternative to anything else. Pity me. So I headed home and decided to be old.

I was only home for about 15 minutes when it hit. There I am, watering the garden and BAM! Colors – so bright. Noises – so loud. Everything – so intense. I’m pretty sure I can fly at this point. Then I remembered I resemble more of a penguin with my rounded shape and pathetic waddle. And we all know, penguins can’t fly.

Around the time I was contemplating my flight path, the nausea and shakiness set in. This much sugar at once? No bueno. I started to feel queasy and regretted leaving the doctor’s office. Would I be able to drive back? I’m such a foolish, high, penguin! So, I went inside to rest and wait out the remaining 30 minutes watching VH1 Classic (I’m old, remember?).

Luckily, the queasiness started to subside and it was soon time to go back for the blood draw. Unlike the first appointment where they tested my blood for everything (vampire buffet), they only needed two vials (vampire appetizer).  I’m in and out of the office in less than ten minutes. Aside from the wide-eyed, highly alert appearance, and the delusions of flying grandeur, I was perfectly fine.

All in all, the glucose test wasn’t terrible. I was pretty cranky throughout the day and had a slight headache. Mostly just irritable. Wait…kind of like being pregnant.

So the lesson in all of this is: sugar’s a hell of a drug.

I passed the test.